Awesome Things I Can't Afford Saturdays

Another Saturday, another self depreciating post about my penniless existence. Oh joy.

An old friend of mine just launched an escort service in Vancouver that pretends to be a matchmaking service called Sugar City. It's got very interesting wording like "mutually beneficial relationship" and "Sugar babies" and my favorite "weekly allowance". Anyways I've been following their blog and I find myself becoming more and more accepting of the whole concept when shopping online for these posts. I think to myself "gee golly gosh, if I had a Sugar Daddy paying my rent and depositing me a monthly 4 digit allowance I could totally thug out my knuckles for reals yo." But alas, I will not succumb to a Sugar City kind of existence.

All I could ever think in our time together is how unfortunate it is that someone must take part in such a calculating business transaction to fill their needs. If you're in that sort of arrangement all you should really be thinking about is when the sucker will finish buying you the entire Louis Vuitton luggage collection and why the hell is your champagne taking so god damn long to arrive at your lavished hotel suite at the Hilton DAMMIT!?!

But I digress...

Why hello there metal spikes woven tightly with copper wire. How are your fabulous selves today? Oh, dangerous? Yeah, I noticed you were all hardcore like that hanging out on what is probably a deadly cliff on fingers with chipped nail polished (perfectly polished nails are for the MEEK). How am I? Oh you know....broke and totally can't afford you what-so-ever. I'm selling my shoes to fly out to my friend's wedding next month, but you know...it goes. Thanks, for asking.

You can buy the Spike KnuckleBuster at Luv Aj for $158 USD. Not as cheap as pepper spray, but way way cooler. Also, a note for my fellow poor romantic idealists <3

(photos credited to Luv Aj and A Beautiful Revolution)

Awesome Things I Can't Afford Saturdays

Smythe Pouf Equestrian Jacket

So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

This jacket was made for me and we will simply never be. It's like unrequited love, except so much more tragic. Although I have only been pining after this jacket for a couple of hours it feels like an ETERNITY. I want it with every ounce of my being. Just looking at it warms the cockles of my materialistic heart. But enough of about me and my growing desire, let's talk about this gorgeous, unholy jacket.

I really love it when a designer can take something classic and make it elegant by just adding some feminine detailing like using puffed sleeves, engraved silver buttons, and pink linen on a traditional blazer. If you can take that now feminine blazer and give it some edge with tan suede paneling,  scrunched sleeves, two vents in the back, and a third flap pocket you are nothing short of a tailoring genius AND my personal hero.

Smythe has been featured in Harper's Bazaar, Instyle and Teen Vogue

Smythe is a Toronto-based, Canadian label run by designers Andrea Lenczner and Christie Smythe who design tailored jackets that are meant to be nostalgic and wearable. They have only been selling jackets since 2004, but are already a world wide success and a favorite for many celebrities. Kate Hudson owns the above jacket in Robin's Egg Blue (I prefer the pink, but I'm a princess so...). You can purchase this jacket via net-a-porter for $630 US and check out Smythe's full collection here.

If this pink jacket were my baby I would wear it with some fierce cut off shorts or even some tapper shorts. The tailored jeans above are a bit too vanilla for me. *returns to dreaming*

Awesome Things I Can't Afford Saturdays

Last week I couldn't afford golden finger tips. This week I can't afford to be gripped by death. I could probably have scrimped and saved last week for my coveted item, but this week I really can't afford it. Not now. Not ever. It's $3,684 approximately. You don't even get to know what it will cost you exactly. Pricey shit is elusive like that. When you see it in magazines they don't even bother giving you the estimate, they just say "Dial blah blah blah to inquire". So what's the best thing about this magnificently creepy belt by jewels and accessory designer Delfina Delettrez? It's named after this guy. Yes, that's right. Skeletor.

Not The Grim Reaper, not even the long and slender Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but yellow skulled, muscular, and bright blue Skeletor. How in the hell does a couture piece get called Skeletor Belt? Would CoutureLab, the online luxury and lifestyle company who contracted Delettrez, accept a Eric Cartmen inspired tuque or Cobra Commander gloves? I thought the fashion community didn't have a sense of humor and that's why we praise Lady Gaga in best dressed lists instead of laughing at her really, really hard. Regardless of my confusion this belt is sexy and glamorous and I want to wear it on a date with He-Man to Castle Grayskull (just to make Skeletor jealous of course).

Oh, how I would love to have sterling silver fingers interlocking around my waist for once, instead of one of those pesky homo sapiens' flesh n' bones fingers. Sadly, I am just a new been-a-broke-student-all-my-life graduate and precious stones on my hips are just not what the future holds for me. If you can afford this belt you can find it at CoutureLab, oh and...I hate you.

Awesome Things I Can't Afford Saturdays

As someone who was laid off a few months ago and has been frittering away her savings since, I am not in the position to be buying ridiculously expensive things. I have never actually been in such a position, but I like to pretend when I am employed full time and have my Visa handy (I always have my Visa handy). I might as well be Jennifer Lopez because I pretty much buy whatever I damn well want. Why pay off student loans when you can have yet another leather purse or those drop earrings you've been visiting for a week? You can't think of a good reason can you? Me neither. My car is a piece, I can't afford Starbucks, my cell phone is rather embarrassing, but I have an amazing wardrobe. I really, really do.

So I am here to present to you a new weekly posting to indulge my impractical sensibilities: Shit I can't afford Saturdays. I know shit is sort of a vulgar and crass word, but I find cuss words really add a dramatic flair that other words simply can't. Plus they're fun. And my blog is fun. So "shit" is here to stay.



Anyways, without further ado I present to you Cornelia Webb's $220 finger ring. It's like a thumb thimble, but way cooler and not nearly as useful. Not only does it lack utility, it probably interferes with things like unbuttoning your jeans, typing, getting dust out of your eyes, and petty theft. And yet here I am hopelessly enamored and fabulously broke.



Webb's Facebook Fan Page tells us that she started creating jewelery in her spare time as a medical student. Perhaps she got the finger mold from her quality lab time at the hospital morgue? And just when you thought things couldn't get any cooler Webb employs prison inmates "to assemble her designs, as both a step in motivating people through creating beautiful things with their hands and as a way to keep production close and limited."

Genius.

Who doesn't want a ring that reeks of misdemeanor crime and rigor mortis? And who would have thought a science nerd could have such wicked business sense? I not only want this finger ring, I respect its humble prison roots. It's just so bad ass (I will be using that word too).

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