Wednesday, May 18, 2016

2016 Coachella Fashions



California girls we're undeniable. Fine, fresh, fierce we got it on lock.
West Coast represent now put your hands up
OooOooooh Oh OooOOooh

Officially, The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, is an annual weekend concert located in the Colorado Desert featuring several genres of music across multiple stages simultaneously. Unofficially, it's a costume party where Victoria Secret models get to express their inner Pocahontas by wearing fringe and taking ecstasy. At least that is what I have gathered from my Instagram feed. I have never been and at 29 years of age I fear my time has come and gone. An old fart like me is better suited to orgiastic tent activities at Burning Man. That's right kids, enjoy your tie-dye pill popping good times because the next step in adventure land is group sex with Indigo Phoenix and Charlie Rainblow and nobody gets a shower.

So what did the top talent at Elite and Ford models wear this year? To quote the great oracle Taylor Swift, "I feel like maybe chokers are the new flower crowns?"

"I'm a little bit of country and I'm a little bit of rock n' roll. I'm a little bit of Memphis and Nashville With a little bit of Motown in my soul."

Fashion inspiration drawn from hip hop, classic rock, indie, and electronic artists.
On that note I made some collages, because I effing love collages and when I was done I realised that not only had I gathered my favorite magical pixie sprite looks from this year's festival, but I had also accounted for 90% of Leonardo DiCaprio and Bradley Cooper's ex-girlfriends. 

My top picks for the 3 day festival are below on Chanel, Kendall, Kaia, and Alessandra, all of whom are Victoria's Secret models, except Kaia who is only 15. Three more long years till she can finally provide masturbatory material for horny men worldwide #goals.

My top picks this year (left to right): Chanel Iman, Kendall Jenner (x2), Kaia Gerber (Cindy Crawford's daughter), Alessandra Ambrosio.

Belly Bling

The key to festival fashion is to somehow dress as sexy and creative as humanly possible without handicapping your day drinking efforts. Naturally hot pants and crop tops are a go-to look and comfortable footwear a must. Everything else is icing on a size double-zero cake.
Legs or GFTO
Friends with fringe benefits

To the left, to the left. Every lace bralette sold at H&M on a girl to my left.


Madame Butterfly


That's all until next year folks!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

The Top Style Stars of 2015: Part 2

The Models


Gigi Hadid – Guess Girl







Gigi was discovered at 2 years of age – no, I’m not kidding – and has been modeling for Guess? ever since. She’s tall, slender, has long golden hair, and a beautiful soft baby face, so naturally you want to assume she’s a terrible person, but no she’s very nice.  I bet she would even braid your hair at a sleep over party. Any who, she reminds me of the perfectly sexy and confident fashion ad models I had on my walls in high school so she’s an instant swoosh of nostalgia every time I see her. I’ve never been a jeans girl, but she makes me want to be.


Rosie Huntington - Goddess








What can I say about Rosie, other than she is a GODDESS. She’s got this sort of shy, untouchable, royal manner to her that Kate Moss has. I don’t think I’ll say anything more about her – need to maintain an air of mystery here, people.

Cara Delevingne – Sultry Rebel








Cara has gorgeous full, dark eyebrows, and thick, dark locks. Her lips are pointy and her face has more angles than a hexagon. So naturally she’s a devious motherfucker. She’s always a vampy Goth on the red carpet, and off-duty she’s your typical British brat in schoolgirl nostalgia and hoodies. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t pick out her clothing for public appearances and instead just reps the brands she has lucrative contracts with (Chanel, Burberry, etc..). I think at heart she is more of an Ellen DeGeneres than say a Portia de Rossi, and could care less about wearing a dress. I think the two main fashion take-aways you should observe from Cara are that black lace and red lips are the sexiest look you’ll ever rock, and that black lace and red lips are the sexiest look you’ll ever rock.

The Entrepreneurs  


Nicole Richie – Polished Fun







On the surface Nicole’s style appears to be quite liberal. Her hair is blue or pink or purple or some colour of the rainbow, and she’ll wear a massive gold rapper chain around her neck or sunglasses as big as her head to accessorize. Do not be fooled by these playful decoys!! Nicole is fanatical about tailoring, fit, and balance. She has a set number of silhouettes she’s determined that work well for her, and she wears them over and over again. She’s like a super fun C-list celebrity version of What Not to Wear. She respects what works for her figure and from that template she’s able to build up and have a lot of fun. This is very much the vibe I get from her personality and I find that the longer I follow her style evolution, the closer she comes to finding the most authentic and stylish expression of herself. It turns out Nicole isn’t a vapid club goer raver, she’s actually a Type A creative (and so am I y’all).

Olsen Twins – Avant-Guarde







Looking at anything the Olsen twins wear is like looking at the future. It never looks as good as it will, until the rest of the world is wearing it too. They are geniuses that cannot be understood in their time, i.e. the current fashion season. You need to skip forward a year or two. This year they were super into comfortable footwear, and once again drowning in fabric. That seems to be a look that works well in chilly New York.

Rachel Zoe – Seventies Flair







Rachel does the seventies better than Farrah did and like Nicole Richie, her former client, she's quite formulaic. She wears the same billowing sleeves, the same chunky platforms, and the same floor sweeping gowns over and over again. Mind you, they're never actually literally the same. Rachel rarely repeats any outfit and I don't think she repeats jewelry either. She's got potentially the worst shopping problem on earth, which I understand. I too lose my mind in a room full of clothing for sale. With that said, she does fully commit to her image, never faltering from it, and embodies all the stylish virtues she espouses in her books.